Thursday, July 9, 2009

When I can't control the world...

My world could be so peaceful, serene, and full of joy... if only I could control the people (and pets!) in it! I set out with best intentions yesterday and in the aloneness of my morning time there was great peace, joy and serenity. Perched high in our little mountain community, the beautiful streams of sunlight kisses the ancient Redwoods. Birds are singing their morning songs. I am living in a dream land.

I make the intention to live from the deeper level of my soul... to stay connected to this Holy State of Being. Late in the morning human life begins to stir around me. The ones I adore and love set out on their day, on their agendas. We seem to all be on the same page/path, with similar goals. Well, moving is stressful, right? Stressful for everyone. Things are still packed. Things are still at the other house. Things have missing things, so the washing machine can't wash. Shower curtains don't hang as easily as they "should". Yet I am grateful for all these blessings. And the day moves along.

Then there are humans not in my immediate circle who impact our little family with changes in plans. Time schedules goes awry. Sensitive to other's sensitivities, my internal peaceful landscape begins to go lopsided. I'm struggling to stay balanced on the slippery slope of my now gone-wonky, best set intentions. Frustrations pop up like annoying little burrs in the carpet. My feathers are ruffled. I have no more clean clothes. And the people I love so much are now upset that I am upset.

Where is the peace of heart, serenity of spirit, joy of the moment?

Craving alone time to recalibrate I encourage my loved ones to go out for a treat. To spend time in Santa Cruz getting dinner and doing things that bring them great joy. Gleefully, they leave. Aha... once again in my day, I am alone and ready to relax with a movie and an easy dinner.

Settling in with a sandwich and my peaceful pets at my side I turn on the TV to view my movie. Alas... the cable box is malfunctioning (although it worked a few hours earlier). The Cable tech wants me to read a serial number that seems to be inscribed with a tiny, sharp needle. I can't see it. Then he says I must turn the 52" TV around and look at some connection in the back. Where is my man, my hero-husband, when I need him. Forty five frustrated minutes later I retreat to my granddaughter's lovely new pink room. I find another movie to delve into while I munch on my now partially stale sandwich. A wonderful, sweet experience, being in her energy in her pink room. Then her TV (actually her VCR) says something about shutting off in two minutes. I push a bunch of buttons... but it turns off anyway. At least I ate my sandwich.

But I'm not feeling too rested, nor too peaceful. Oh.. and the three, mixed up phone lines in our house keep ringing. One said "We're sorry, we're not available to talk to you right now." !! what was that about? So I take to the sanctuary of my beautiful, partially furnished bedroom. I begin to find peace and joy here. But the phones keep ringing. Odd calls on our new phone lines. But there was at least one happy call from Hubby, joyful about an experience had in Santa Cruz.

In short time, the three hours have passed and my loved ones return. They notice that I'm not as happy and relaxed as they thought I'd be by now. So we all decide to go to bed. We bid sweet dreams and I retire to journal in my gratitude journal, finding the blessings of the day. I try to get the pets out of my room. Why do they love me so! Trixie, the darling kitty she is... absolutely REFUSES to leave. So I turn off the lights and try to settle in. Trixie decides she loves to prance and pounce on the partially emptied moving boxes. Just too much distraction to settle into sleep. No matter how I invite her to leave my room, she delights in hiding and running to a far corner. I'm allowing my tired and weary self to be frazzled and short tempered. Kitties really don't respond well to that energy. Trixie pounces on my bare foot and bites my toe, drawing blood! I begin to cry.

Passing through the house, my hero-husband comes to the rescue and Trixie runs to him purring. He takes Trixie and kisses me good night. I settle in, once again, breathing and meditating myself to find that peaceful place in my soul that will welcome slumber.

Then, in the blissful silence of the night I hear it. My cell phone is beeping (in the next room- beyond my closed door where kitties lie waiting), letting me know I've missed a call. Can my meditation take me deeper, ignoring the periodic beep?


The open bedroom door seems like an invitation to the animals. It's not. They get my energy and stay away. Cell phone gets cut off. I return to bed not humored by the events of the evening.

Oh... God is good and takes me to a deep slumber and I awake refreshed and joyful in this beautiful garden/temple/room. The birds are singing their morning songs. Humans are still asleep. Dogs and kitties circle around me, welcoming me to the joy of their day. (They don't remember I was cranky last night!)

My heart is smiling. I am laughing at myself. A wonderful gift was given to me yesterday evening. The gift to really see myself, my human nature, to give way to frustration because I could not control my world. And there is where Peace begins. In the smallness of the little things that go awry and set me off. Being able to transform frustration into finding Peace. That is my work, my lessons.

And I give such thanks for awareness, aliveness and the awesomeness of knowing that God is always there. Peace is always there, when I surrender and just let go. Stop trying to control everything!

Oh... and my sad, lonely, frustrated, petulant inner child demanded those chocolate malt balls to feed her feelings. Interesting, they did note satiate a darn thing. Useless waste of empty calories. No, not a waste, because the lesson is there to remind me.

Take more time during the day to recalibrate with my intentions set earlier in the day. Take a moment to reconnect with the High Energy that is God flowing through me. Remember. Now. Again, now.


and again, now.

I am so grateful. To start a new day. To set new intentions. To know that God is always there. My world is one of Peace, Joy, and Serenity.
Thank you Mother, Father, God, Goddess

1 comment:

  1. Chris, I laughed out loud at your story...not because it was funny, but because of the picture of utter frustration you so beautifully painted. I've HAD those nights!!!

    Thank you for sharing your insights...I too tend to need to control my world. I will remember your story when mine is rearing its head again.


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