Monday, August 18, 2008

Powerlessness????? the efforts of truly waking up

(note) I started this blog to journal my daily musings.... then the reality of the depth and deeply personal aspects of my journey being committed to print, open to anyone to read.... well, it truly frightened me! I'd feel exposed, vulnerable, open to criticism and judgment. opps, aren't those fears a reflection of my own criticisms and judgments of others?? lesson learned. So here I am, ready to go, to deeply be open to inner exploration and open to hearing from others, how you travel similar paths.... similar journeys.

Ah, the journey... how was it, what did I do to wake up, how is it now.... a Pandora's box of memory! Most recent memory, just a few months ago, I got together with a dear friend I hadn't seen in several months... and what a vibrant change in her. Not just a weight loss, but a shining, glowing, inner joy that I had seen only periodically from her, and never for a prolonged period. She had joined a 12-step program, Food Addicts in Recovery. And her progress was/is AMAZING! a vibrant picture of healthy body, mind and spirit.

I wanted some of that. I started attending local FA meetings, always sitting in the back, not wanting to be seen, flushing and turning beet red when I stood to introduce myself as a visitor! Hey... that's not "me"... I've led groups for years! I've spoken in front of many people.... hmmmm. Something huge was holding me back from accepting the FA program. However, the women who spoke were fabulously inspiring... but the rigors of their program just didn't feel a fit for me. So my "search" began.

I attended a sweet but small regular OA meeting and met some wonderful women. Then, unknown to me, the next OA meeting I visited was an OA-90, with almost the exact food plan as the FA group! Perhaps, God, my Higher Power, was leading be to the system that would/will best work for me. I've hung in there now for a month or so. I've been attending three very inspiring meetings a week. But I've been resistant to really digging in and accepting the program.

I have resisted finding a sponsor. I've dragged my feet. I've found a thousand or so excuses and very good reasons for not getting started. I've also resisted weighing and measuring my food. I've resisted committing my food each day.

Split down the middle, struggling. On the other side of the coin, I gave up caffeine, flour and sugar, way back on July 4th. That's pretty good. I also bought the books and several times a week have taken some time to study and journal the OA way, steps and traditions. Well, truth is, I haven't gotten past Step One... Admitting I am powerless over anything! So, I have done some of the work.... but I am stalled out here... still wanting "what they have" and resisting my own powerlessness.

I always thought I was good about letting go and letting God be God in my life. I talk a good talk.... the secret is, I walk a lie. I am still resisting letting go and admitting I am powerless over anything in my life! Like Arjuna (Bhagavad Gita) I am faced with two opposing aspects of myself.... the willingness to truly relinquish my control over anything, and my desire to "will" things into manifestation. There must be a third path?

Just for today... my THIRD PATH appears to be the inner wilderness of my own soul and psyche. Just for today... I will seek and explore the deep inner silence that I am told is at the deepest heart of my soul and life. It's not about the eating... it's about the willingness to truly let go and admit that of/by myself I am powerless over many aspects of my life. Just for today, I am willing to actually commit myself to calling a sponsor/starter OA person. I commit to figuring a food plan for the day and I commit to weighing and measuring my meals. I also commit to some forward thinking about shopping and what to keep on hand.

Ok.... whew... that wasn't so awful bad. All I have is me, now in this moment. I thank you God/Goddess for your guidance and willingness to keep on leading me on/towards Your Path.
My most humble blessings and thanksgivings!

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