Saturday, September 13, 2008

When circumstances get you down

When circumstances
get you down,
perceived or real,
continue on.
Do not go back to error.
When the fog clears,
you will discover
the good that was done.

I wrote these words of inspiration last May when reading Mary Baker Eddy's Science and Health. This last week has been full of overwhelmingly negative circumstances. Fires to put out almost daily. Stresses to pull my monkey mind thinking into the gutter of "poor me", pity potty, "why does this keep happening"... well, you get the drift. All real life circumstances, dramas, and situations that really need to be handled by me.

So, there's been a war going on... mentally floundering in the soup of negativity.... versus letting go and letting God be God in my life. I'm humbled to say I've been a flounderer. (Spell check says that's not a word.... but it was for me!) Just turn it over. Sounds simple. Let go and let God. Well, I'm trying, it's just that.......(fill in the blank!)!!!

OK, the bus stops here! My mantra in my meditation this morning was (breathing in) "God grant me the Serenity" (breathing out) "to accept YOU in my life". duh! 15 minutes past so quickly.... monkey mind shut down.... just some glorious colors and fresh morning air to pervade my thoughts... "God grant me the serenity to accept You in my life"...

When I came out of meditation I was led back to my journaling of last May....
When circumstances get you down ... well a big percentage of mine are perceived cluttered complexities of the "real" life fires, duties and responsibilities that are to be done by me. I'm thinking my perceptions have greatly distorted the realities. Surely, my "problems" are no different today than last month, last year, etc. But it's the way I hold them in my consciousness that determines their hold on me.

Do not go back to error.
In other words, keep focused on the goal of Divine Consciousness. Keep my 12 Step commitments. Keep my eyes on the promises. Use the traditions as my guide. What you fight, fights back: so give up the fight! And trust! So I surrender to God "God, grant me the serenity to accept you in my life". That is the only light I need to focus my thoughts on. For when the smoky fog of cluttered circumstances and overwhelm loosen their hold on me... I will discover the good that was done.

Ahhh.... thank you God. The fog lifts, veils of illusion evaporate, and I can see more clearly now.

About my OA journey.... it's been so many years that I've lived an unbalanced life. Esteeming saints and martyrs I've slid into my own pattern of misguided sacrifice and over-work. I've always handled negative events by thinking I'll just work even harder, give up a little more of myself to pour my attention and activities into solving the current problematic situation. So, I'd give up time to pray, meditate, study and write; I'd avoid eating breakfast and lunch; I'd allow clutter and stuff to pile up around me as I try to work from within the consciousness of overwhelm.

Well, of course I'd feel drained, that I've sacrificed for naught. So 5pm rolls around and then medication that will soften the edgy anxiety is a nice, huge, glass of wine, followed by a tripple portion dinner. (After all, I was so busy all day I hardly ate at all!) Eating and drinking so much, so late at night, gave way to a restless, miserable night, where I'd often make more promises to myself that tomorrow will be different. After all, I can control things, I can make what ever needs to happen, happen. Tomorrow I will work harder, longer, take on more responsibilities.... whatever it takes to MAKE things go right.

Ugh... I don't even like thinking about that mindset. Yet, it's been my dysfunctional code of operation for years and years. All the time thinking that I had control... and if I just work harder.

Ah... the 12 Step program (OA-90) has me eating weighed and measured meals, three times a day. Calling my dear sponsor every morning to commit to those meals. Meditating, reading and writing BEFORE I boot up my computer. Such a simple precept. My monkey mind wants to mess it up and complicate it so things will feel familiar. Yipes!

It is so simple. I will not go back to "error".

I am so thankful for this awareness.

When circumstances get you down, perceived or real, continue on.
Do not go back to error. When the fog clears,
you will discover the good that was done.

1 comment:

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